Apologia, not apology

First, I’d like to apologise to anyone who might actually read this blog.  I’ve been away for a while after becoming disillusioned with the amount of hate mail I was receiving for one Zac Efron post and one Fergie post.  Both of these posts were in the spirit of distaste for these particular cogs in the entertainment machine, but of course, they have their followers who defend them in droves.  That’s fine.  KIFY was never meant to be a celebrity-bashing or gossip blog: there’re too many of them out there.  Instead, my passion is taking the everyday CRAP we are fed (through TV, ads, music, film and at the mall) and turn it upside down to get a different view.  Oprah and her unflinching consumerism become the icon of what disgusts me.  And ads that aim to target that “spiritual”/”quality of life” side are enemy no. 1.  All other product ads are enemy no. 2.  Still, I can’t deny that our entertainment is caught up in this advertising circus and so it is with this truism that I continue to consider celebrities on this blog.  So I leave you with this, an article that sums up why I felt the urge to make fun of Fergie.  She’s not the only one, but she is, for now, on the top of my list.  Enjoy.   OMG! Like, she’s, like, someone I, like, wanna be like…!

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President of [What?] Skills, USA

Bravo to Caitlin Upton for carrying on a tradition of dumb blonde jokes. Her bio says she’s the President of Skills (probably the same skills Tara Connor had..?); you gotta be smart for that, rite? Perhaps she is a scholar in coding and encryption because I couldn’t understand a word she said. She’ll make the U.S. Military proud one day..

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Stephen Harper, We Demand an Inquiry!

Canadians are Naïve, Naïve, Naïve!”
Disclaimer: Part of me believes we, as a people, masochistically enjoy watching our governments slip into the nightmarish, Orwellian clichés just so we can say, “See? Government BAD! Government EVIL!” and feel totally vindicated for fudging our taxes; this only demonstrates how naïve we are here in Canada when it comes to fascism:

Undercover Cops Dressed as Protesters Attempt To Incite Riot
Wednesday August 22, 2007

It only takes one successful Beer Hall Putsch to slip into fascism…Canada needs to wake up and see that what appears to be no more than a slightly creepy ol’ boys’ club at the top of the government is really a fascist machine, slowly dismantling the rights that those before us fought constantly for and that we take for granted…

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A Turtle in a Girdle and other Man-Made Deformities

Exerpts from “Our oceans are turning into plastic…are we?” by Susan Casey:

“…all over the globe, there are signs that plastic pollution is doing more than blighting the scenery; it is also making its way into the food chain. Some of the most obvious victims are the dead seabirds that have been washing ashore in startling numbers, their bodies packed with plastic: things like bottle caps, cigarette lighters, tampon applicators, and colored scraps that, to a foraging bird, resemble baitfish. (One animal dissected by Dutch researchers contained 1,603 pieces of plastic.) And the birds aren’t alone. All sea creatures are threatened by floating plastic, from whales down to zooplankton. There’s a basic moral horror in seeing the pictures: a sea turtle with a plastic band strangling its shell into an hourglass shape; a humpback towing plastic nets that cut into its flesh and make it impossible for the animal to hunt. More than a million seabirds, 100,000 marine mammals, and countless fish die in the North Pacific each year, either from mistakenly eating this junk or from being ensnared in it and drowning.
…
Most alarming, these chemicals may disrupt the endocrine system—the delicately balanced set of hormones and glands that affect virtually every organ and cell—by mimicking the female hormone estrogen. In marine environments, excess estrogen has led to Twilight Zone-esque discoveries of male fish and seagulls that have sprouted female sex organs. On land, things are equally gruesome. “Fertility rates have been declining for quite some time now, and exposure to synthetic estrogen—especially from the chemicals found in plastic products—can have an adverse effect,” says Marc Goldstein, M.D., director of the Cornell Institute for Repro-ductive Medicine. Dr. Goldstein also notes that pregnant women are particularly vulnerable: “Prenatal exposure, even in very low doses, can cause irreversible damage in an unborn baby’s reproductive organs.” And after the baby is born, he or she is hardly out of the woods. Frederick vom Saal, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Missouri at Columbia who specifically studies estrogenic chemicals in plastics, warns parents to “steer clear of polycarbonate baby bottles. They’re particularly dangerous for newborns, whose brains, immune systems, and gonads are still developing.” Dr. vom Saal’s research spurred him to throw out every polycarbonate plastic item in his house, and to stop buying plastic-wrapped food and canned goods (cans are plastic-lined) at the grocery store.”

Read the full article HERE. Coupled with my reading of P.D. James’ Children of Men it is about all I can handle before going off the edge.

And these pictures have left me totally speechless (and nauseous):

But then, why should we care about these mammal mutations and deformities? Women voluntarily deform themselves in a subservient show of male power all the time (some NSFW):

And of course, let’s not forget Pam-An, who’s Ilsa-bot look (the bottle-blonde hair, the collagen lips, the floating devices has more than likely inspired hundreds of thousands of women to follow suit in environmentally hazardous, self-deforming practices) and her rallying for PeTA suggest that hypocrisy is the ONLY thing about her that runs deep.

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Resorting to Their Level: Joe Francis

After hearing a gossip piece on how Joe Francis is upset that Hugh Heffner did not come to his defense (as he claimed Hugh went through ‘similar’ persecution for similar things…um..ok…) I got that rage bubble again. And as his face keeps showing itself like a pesky cockroach in the kitchen, the bubble grows and grows. I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to punch someone…so I’ll vent here instead in a three-pronged prayer to any pagan goddess with a black cat and cauldron:

A) I hope his jailmates forced him to sign ‘waivers’ while he was fucked on H
B) I hope his ass is perpetually bleeding and oozing shit from all the ‘consensual’ prison sex
C) I hope his Acromegaly progresses to the point where his tongue swells up big enough to feel like a giant dick is perpetually poking his gag reflex.*

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Torn Between Love and Hate: Morrissey Chides Madonna, Praises PeTA

So at a concert in Norfolk, VA, Morrissey made a few on-stage pronouncements about Madge’s timely shift in public persona as ‘eco-friendly’:

According to 24Sizzler.com’s spy, the eco-friendly rocker told concert-goers about fur-loving Madonna, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him … for 15 minutes, and then threw it away.”

And these sorts of pronouncements are why I love Morrissey and feel safe and at peace that he is somewhere, just doing things in this world! But wait…then he had to follow it up with advocacy for an organization I find absolutely, frustratingly hypocritical: PeTA:

Morrissey balanced his unkind words for Madonna, with kind words for PETA, which he supports: “You haven’t even heard what I’m gratified about yet,” said the singer, reports the 24Sizzler.com spy. ”I’m very gratified to be so close to the international headquarters of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”

As a feminist (does that ‘f’ word still make people cringe? Fox News really did a good job of demonizing it in the late 80s/early 90s, didn’t they?) and an animal lover, I find myself cringing at the thought of supporting an organization that uses porn-star iconography, Hep-Cat Pam-Am, and stereotypes of ditzy blonde women for they’re ad campaigns. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the Ilsa-esque Aryan nature of their ‘spokes’ models…especially in the context of their downplaying the horrors of the holocaust and fascism by equating the slaughter of pigs with this historical tragedy. I’m all for a philosophical anti-humanism, but trading one kind of exploitation for another is still working within the lowest common denominators. And please don’t tell me the bleach that Pammy uses in her hair and the goo in her breasts have not come at the expense of animal rights or have not inspired a nasty strain of eco-trashing fem-bots chanting “das blonde ist besser”…

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Bible Thumpers, Golfers and Metallica Fans Equally as Offensive to Thor

A man was struck by lightning as he was jogging and listening to religious music on his iPod. The electric current melted the iPod, traveled down through his pants and blew up one of his sneakers. Last year, a teen who was mowing the lawn while listening to Metallica faced a similar fate as lightning melted the earphones of his iPod, sizzled the iPod itself and caused the dude to vomit and bleed through his ears. Methinks Thor hath made his point with golfers and has moved on to openly judging people’s crappy playlists..Maybe iPods, like golf clubs, are merely the medium, not the message…

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Stanley K. Bernstein: Diet Doctor or Doctor Death?

This news is old but forgotten. I keep seeing ads for Bernstein’s diet clinics on TV and wonder what special forces it took to acquit him of attempted murder charges when all of the jewellry and Rolex watches were stashed in his home… I also wonder what kind of powerhouse lawyer he employed to get the Toronto Star to eventually take Bernstein’s name out of subsequent stories on the murder plot that you can read below…could it have been Edward Greenspan? How could he afford him? And what is up with the kidnapping of him and his wife where they were found stuffed in the trunk of a Mercedes-Benz several years later? I found these articles in the Star’s online archives. Googling Bernstein’s name gets you nothing more than “”Criminal Background checks”, so in all its glory, I’m posting some of the weird and criminal history behind Toronto’s very own Doctor Death. Enjoy the headline timeline (Only main articles published in full).

Toronto doctor charged in contract murder plot:[FIN Edition]
John Duncanson Toronto Star. Toronto Star Toronto, Ont.:Jul 21, 1992. p. A1

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Hipsteritis is an STD

Classic Myspace shot with onset of tousled hair

I found this in the most recent edition of Canadian Journal of Medicine:

Hipsteritis
Hipsteritis is transmitted sexually, so to speak, qualifying it as an STD. It strikes those who have no cultural taste of their own but badly want to be cool and are hungry for a sex-appeal that will set them apart. Its early symptoms include the compulsive taking of ‘myspace’ photos of oneself, often with cleavage or bare leg visible in the shot suggesting an early onslaught of extreme notions of grandeur; the compulsion to juxtapose footwear with their outfit; the tendency to pose with minor/quasi celebrities at parties and insipient jabbering on about ‘doing blow’. Nothing exists outside of their world, and the tightly framed photos literally suggest this grave and progressive mental state. Their blogs are almost always about themselves and their other infected friends. As the disease spreads, the victim’s hair becomes increasingly tousled and dissheveled–a trait that is commonly mistaken for ‘rock and roll’ hair. Sufferers of hipsteritis are easily irritated, paranoid and often feel threatened by people who are different than they are. In the later stages of the disease, a drone-like mentality completely takes over and the victim loses any faculties of discretion and decision-making and is known to attack with hipster-venom anyone outside their immediate hive in order to prove to their fellow drones their loyalty to the Kingdom of Cool. Ultimately, the hipster is on constant guard, sometimes preemptively striking a wrong target in sad attempts to claim territory or, ‘turf’.

It is too early to know whether hipsteritis has a cure, but I’m living for the day when the alleyway drinking parties lose their irony and the incessant taking of ‘myspace’ pics becomes the hallmark of old-age and the sign that death’s release is close at hand.

The disease is not always terminal. You can read one person’s account of having overcome it here.

THERE IS HOPE… GET HELP SOON!!

Below are some pictures of infected people , along with a sample of the kind of antagonism they tend to spout. Should this venom be turned on you, stay calm and remember that they can’t help it–it’s the disease talking.

As disease progresses, desire to photograph one’s entire body increases exponentially

Unconscious posing with minor/quasi-celebrity

Alleyway drinking party. Man in green tights in very late stages of the disease.

As youth an irony fades, the disease becomes more apparent

And here is a sample letter containing the kind of venom and vengeance common to those in the late stages of the disease. Letter written based on paranoia and hearsay some 10 years after the alleged incident. Please note the obsession with body image and identity:

“i saw you the other nite at my friend’s store
i was going to say something but was too incensed with rage i didn’t want to make a scene

dugan told me many moons ago you said that i was a walking std, scott would not grant me your phone number to call your parents and tell them their failure of a daughter is a rug-munching dyke troll

you talk shit about other girls cos you are insecure and hate yourself

enjoy your life, ugly.

love lauren white

ps. lose some weight
pps. metal sucks “

The fact that her blog has won awards suggests an epidemic of hipsteritis has hit Toronto with a force greater than the SARS of 2003.

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Paris Hilton the New Picasso?

She sees the world through the eyes of a child. Not since Picasso has the art world seen such genius. The way she disregards the rules of perspective, her insistence on labeling everything in the composition and adding prose alongside the visuals, the haphazard use of negative space…’Tis true talent to render her traumatic experience with such innocence and naivité.

Below are some of her lesser-known masterpieces:

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Speed Racing Does Not Mean You Have a Big One.

A truck driver was killed yesterday on the 400 highway after swerving to avoid two dinky cars that were racing too close. The trucker headed toward the medium and oncoming cars, so he swerved back to the right, and fatally landed in the ditch. The boys who were racing are 20 yrs old, 6 years younger than the number of years truck driver (a father of three) had been trucking. Not all truckers are ‘heroes’, nor do they always drive safe either…

I’ve been on a trip in a truck myself. I’ve seen women painting their toenails while driving, men reading books that they’ve propped up onto the steering wheels, parents driving while looking into the back seat to yell at their kids or in-laws, women flashing truckers, and most of all, nearly everyone fidgeting with their cell phones. If I never believed in Darwinism, I do now. But it’s not right for innocent people to die. So those of you who can’t make time to pull over and do your thing, or have been told multi-tasking is good for society, please take your absent-mindedness and drive off a cliff with it!

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