Apologia, not apology

First, I’d like to apologise to anyone who might actually read this blog.  I’ve been away for a while after becoming disillusioned with the amount of hate mail I was receiving for one Zac Efron post and one Fergie post.  Both of these posts were in the spirit of distaste for these particular cogs in the entertainment machine, but of course, they have their followers who defend them in droves.  That’s fine.  KIFY was never meant to be a celebrity-bashing or gossip blog: there’re too many of them out there.  Instead, my passion is taking the everyday CRAP we are fed (through TV, ads, music, film and at the mall) and turn it upside down to get a different view.  Oprah and her unflinching consumerism become the icon of what disgusts me.  And ads that aim to target that “spiritual”/”quality of life” side are enemy no. 1.  All other product ads are enemy no. 2.  Still, I can’t deny that our entertainment is caught up in this advertising circus and so it is with this truism that I continue to consider celebrities on this blog.  So I leave you with this, an article that sums up why I felt the urge to make fun of Fergie.  She’s not the only one, but she is, for now, on the top of my list.  Enjoy.   OMG! Like, she’s, like, someone I, like, wanna be like…!

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FOX is afraid we will learn what we already know…

Notoriously right-wing network, FOX, censors Sally Fields’ acceptance speech at 2:00 into the clip…keep watching, keep watching…Makes you wonder just how ‘progressive’ shows like The Family Guy really are? Women’s voices = Power. Women’s voices as Puppets of the Patriarchy = Pathetic (Joan Rivers, take note!)

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Ulterior Motive of the Day: Dove’s “Pro-Age” Campaign

I’m SO SICK OF DOVE! OK, so they’ve had “fat” girls in their campaign, and now they’re on to old women. In a continuing effort to dupe the masses, Dove proclaims that everyone is beautiful and sexy, that they’re not “anti”-age but “pro”-age and that even 60+ y.o. women deserve to be exploited by huge corporations for their bodies. This particular “model” in the ad was on Oprah the other day (which was basically an hour-long Dove commerical, and PLEASE don’t tell me she’s not photoshopped) crying about how she never thought she’d get the chance to show people how beautiful she really was until Dove came along. Heartwarming. Pass me the scope so I can gargle the vomit out of my throat.

I already posed this question to Dove in my post back in June, but I’ll ask them again:

Dear Dove,
If we are all so very beautiful “just the way we are” then why the FUCK do we need your products?

Respectfully yours,
Miss Eye

P.S., my fluency in Doublespeak is rusty.
P.P.S. if this is a revolution, please stop the world–I want off.

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Stephen Harper, We Demand an Inquiry!

Canadians are Naïve, Naïve, Naïve!”
Disclaimer: Part of me believes we, as a people, masochistically enjoy watching our governments slip into the nightmarish, Orwellian clichés just so we can say, “See? Government BAD! Government EVIL!” and feel totally vindicated for fudging our taxes; this only demonstrates how naïve we are here in Canada when it comes to fascism:

Undercover Cops Dressed as Protesters Attempt To Incite Riot
Wednesday August 22, 2007

It only takes one successful Beer Hall Putsch to slip into fascism…Canada needs to wake up and see that what appears to be no more than a slightly creepy ol’ boys’ club at the top of the government is really a fascist machine, slowly dismantling the rights that those before us fought constantly for and that we take for granted…

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Like Easter, but every 2-4 weeks!

The system will keep finding ways to keep women too distracted and preoccupied with the way they look to amount to much more than an overly-decorated Easter Egg with a short shelf-life: dyed, stenciled, painted, put in a basket for all to see, and then cracked open and tossed out with the scraps, never getting the chance to grow past the yolkie chick stage into a mature hen:

So, considering the “Naughty” category of “pubic hair art” has been flooded by the market by companies like Nads, I’ve come up with a few more suggestions that I think fulfill the under-represented “Nice” category:

“SEXY” is NOT A RIGHT….


MILF CULTURE MUST DIE.

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Torn Between Love and Hate: Morrissey Chides Madonna, Praises PeTA

So at a concert in Norfolk, VA, Morrissey made a few on-stage pronouncements about Madge’s timely shift in public persona as ‘eco-friendly’:

According to 24Sizzler.com’s spy, the eco-friendly rocker told concert-goers about fur-loving Madonna, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him … for 15 minutes, and then threw it away.”

And these sorts of pronouncements are why I love Morrissey and feel safe and at peace that he is somewhere, just doing things in this world! But wait…then he had to follow it up with advocacy for an organization I find absolutely, frustratingly hypocritical: PeTA:

Morrissey balanced his unkind words for Madonna, with kind words for PETA, which he supports: “You haven’t even heard what I’m gratified about yet,” said the singer, reports the 24Sizzler.com spy. ”I’m very gratified to be so close to the international headquarters of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”

As a feminist (does that ‘f’ word still make people cringe? Fox News really did a good job of demonizing it in the late 80s/early 90s, didn’t they?) and an animal lover, I find myself cringing at the thought of supporting an organization that uses porn-star iconography, Hep-Cat Pam-Am, and stereotypes of ditzy blonde women for they’re ad campaigns. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the Ilsa-esque Aryan nature of their ‘spokes’ models…especially in the context of their downplaying the horrors of the holocaust and fascism by equating the slaughter of pigs with this historical tragedy. I’m all for a philosophical anti-humanism, but trading one kind of exploitation for another is still working within the lowest common denominators. And please don’t tell me the bleach that Pammy uses in her hair and the goo in her breasts have not come at the expense of animal rights or have not inspired a nasty strain of eco-trashing fem-bots chanting “das blonde ist besser”…

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Stanley K. Bernstein: Diet Doctor or Doctor Death?

This news is old but forgotten. I keep seeing ads for Bernstein’s diet clinics on TV and wonder what special forces it took to acquit him of attempted murder charges when all of the jewellry and Rolex watches were stashed in his home… I also wonder what kind of powerhouse lawyer he employed to get the Toronto Star to eventually take Bernstein’s name out of subsequent stories on the murder plot that you can read below…could it have been Edward Greenspan? How could he afford him? And what is up with the kidnapping of him and his wife where they were found stuffed in the trunk of a Mercedes-Benz several years later? I found these articles in the Star’s online archives. Googling Bernstein’s name gets you nothing more than “”Criminal Background checks”, so in all its glory, I’m posting some of the weird and criminal history behind Toronto’s very own Doctor Death. Enjoy the headline timeline (Only main articles published in full).

Toronto doctor charged in contract murder plot:[FIN Edition]
John Duncanson Toronto Star. Toronto Star Toronto, Ont.:Jul 21, 1992. p. A1

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Non-Lethal Weaponry

Been googling Non-Lethal Weaponry and there are extensive lists. Most notable, apart from the Gay Bomb, are Acoustitcs weapons that emit nauseating frequencies that make the opponent’s head want to explode, and lasers that produce a burning sensation on the skin without actually burning the skin…But this one’s my absolute favourite from a list I found HERE:

Biotechnical, Pheromones. The chemical substances released by animals to influence physiology or behavior of other members of the same species. One use of pheromones, at the most elemental level, could be to mark target individuals and then release bees to attack them. This would result in forcing them to exit an area or abandon resistance [195].

It makes me think of this Eddie Izzard sketch:

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Today in Itstory: Day Against Child Labour

Kathy Lee Gifford: Patron Saint of Labouring Children

Don’t be fooled by Ronald McDonald House, WalMart Children’s Charities or other corporate children’s charities…it’s a front. Today is a reminder that our comfortable lifestyles come at the expense others’ childhoods. Here are some of the most popular offenders you might try and avoid…

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Gay Bomb?

This is old news, but news to me.

CBS Headline: Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A ‘Gay Bomb’
(CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Gay community leaders in California said Friday that they found the notion of a “gay bomb” both offensive and almost laughable at the same time.

[...]

“Throughout history we have had so many brave men and women who are gay and lesbian serving the military with distinction,” said Geoff Kors of Equality California. “So, it’s just offensive that they think by turning people gay that the other military would be incapable of doing their job. And its absurd because there’s so much medical data that shows that sexual orientation is immutable and cannot be changed.”

Read the rest HERE!

I’m not so sure Geoff Kors is right about sexual orientation being immutable…I think it’s as fluid as the bowels of a vegan. Otherwise, why would hetero men be so squeamish at seeing homo-sexual affection or gay porn? Just like towel-snapping, trigger-pulling and football, it gives their willies a tingle they’d only dream of indulging.

So, was the motion inspired by R.E.M.’s release of their single “Sex Bomb” in 1994 (same year the gay bomb idea was drafted)???

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This Day in 1949: George Orwell’s 1984 Published

I’m a little bit Winston and a little bit O’Brien.

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De-Evolution of Retro Style

Retro is always in. But in the past year, it’s been in in a very particular way. Doo-wop and 50s girls style defines musicians like Amy Winehouse (signature beehive) and the Pipettes (another female-fronted band); Christina Aguilera goes further, evoking the Company B style of the WWII era. I can’t help but feel, however, that in this era of Googlism, and complete lack of historical contexts off which to play, the irony of retro is now lost. Just because Winehouse says ‘fuck’ in her best Nina Simone impersonation, or just because the Pipettes look like they’re sassy chicks who say the other ‘f’ word (feminism), doesn’t make the parody subversive (not that they’re necessarily setting out to do so). In fact, I feel like this fake nostalgia we all have for poodle skirts and red lipstick is part of a seething, bubbling fascism that is a ‘no-no’ to discuss in the enlightened West… Thus I present my De-Evolution of Retro Style: A Descent into Fascism, Racism and Mysogyny, Again.

So the following are lyrics from Doris Day, Amy Winehouse and The Pipettes. They all confirm that notion that “boys will be boys” and, well…can’t live with them, can’t live without them…tee hee!

Read the lyrics to “A Guy is a Guy” by Doris Day (1951)

I walked down the street like a good girl should
He followed me down the street like I knew he would
Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be
So listen and I’ll tell you what this fella did to me

I walked to my house like a good girl should
He followed me to my house like I knew he would
Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be
So listen while I tell you what this fella did to me

I never saw the boy before
So nothin’ could be sillier
At closer range his face was strange
But his manner was familiar

So I walked up the stairs like a good girl should
He followed me up the stairs like I knew he would
Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be
So listen and I’ll tell you what this fella did to me

I stepped to my door like a good girl should
He stopped at my door like I knew he would
Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be
So listen while I tell you what this fella did to me

He asked me for a good-night kiss
I said, “It’s still good day”
I would have told him more except
His lips got in the way

So I talked to my ma like a good girl should
And Ma talked to Pa like I knew she would
And they all agreed on a married life for me
The guy is my guy wherever he may be

So I walked down the aisle like a good girl should
He followed me down the aisle like I knew he would
Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be
And now you’ve heard the story of what someone did to me

And that’s what he did to me

Amy Winehouse’s

“What It Is About Men”

Understand once he was a family man
so surely I would never, ever go through it first hand
Emulate all the shit my mother hated
I can’t help but demostrate my Freudian fate
My alibi for taking your guy
history repeats itself, it fails to die
and animal agression is my downfall
I don’t care ’bout what you got I wanted all

It’s bricked up in my head, it’s shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it ’bout men?
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it ’bout men?

I’m nurturing, I just wanna do my thing
and I’ll take the wrong man as naturally as I sing
and I’ll save my tears for uncovering my fears
for behavioural patters that stick over the years

It’s bricked up in my head, it’s shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it ’bout men?
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it ’bout men?

Feminist Complaints, The Pipettes

Broke my heart, what a shame
Played the field, but all game
Your hands lingered for too long
Teasing touch was very strong

That night you left with her in tow
Contributing to my feminist woes

Feminist woe, feminist woe
For feminist cunts, feminist cunts, feminist cunts
Oh, oh, oh

Broke my heart, what a shame
Played away, but all game
That night you left with her in tow
Contributing to my feminist woes

Feminist woe, feminist woe
For feminist cunts, feminist cunts, feminist cunts
Oh, oh, oh

That night I knew that you had been untrue
So what? What? What can I do?

Broke my heart, what a shame
Played the field, but all game

He broke her heart

COPYCATS!

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But, they’re still in their unmentionables…

I know this ad is old, but it never gets old for me. I love that women being “revolutionary” means appearing in front of a camera in plain, white underwear. Way to challenge the patriarchy. Along with this pathetic statement, is the inherent contradiction in the message: you’re perfect the way you are, so you need to buy our product to enhance that perfection. It’s not surprising then, that Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty” is hocking another body enhancement product: good-old self-tanner.

Just stands to reason that an ad that still relies on women hanging out in their unmentionables, plastered with fake and desperate smiles really isn’t real at all. Let me in front of the Dove cameraman after a long, razorless winter. I’ll end this society’s superficial obsession with ‘reality’ in a split second.

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