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Archive for the ‘wtf’ Category

If you live in Canada, you’re probably familiar with that giant outlet store that boasts new items daily–from clothing to home furnishings to lead-laden childrens’ toys. On a recent visit to my local Winners, I stopped by the home furnishing section only to be horrified by the cheap colonialist bric-a-brac festooned on their even cheaper glass shelves. Is this some sick corporate joke? The irony of a company that distances itself from racist slave labour by dealing with sellers, rather than the actual making of clothes, propping up a sort of colonialist idealism and nostalgia (with all the racism and slavery given a rosy hue under the fluorescent lights of the store) is enough to make me cry, puke and laugh violently all at once. So remember folks, history was written by the “winners” and so too shall home decor be. Below are pictures I took of various offensive bric-a-brac at a Winners here in Toronto, in a very multi-ethnic neighbourhood.

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Rascist busts of what I suppose is an African slave in Western period costume. Notice the stereotypical accentuating of features and the clash with the ‘soft’ European/Western pastel hues of the costume.

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Here it was beside a very idealized, classicized bust of Mozart, icon of Western civilization (versus the savage slaves that ‘we’ civilized and tamed on the plantations). Are you convinced yet that conquest and domination are wonderful things of PROGRESS?

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Never mind that here in Canada, First Nations have worked hard to inform the public that they ARE NOT INDIANS for chrissakes. COLUMBUS MADE A FOOLISH ERROR, remember? But, alas, here we are again with the “redskin in a head-dress” again with certain features accentuated to make him look “authentic”. Fuck you, winners.

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Of course every wealthy colonialist needs his collection of African masks to prove he had a fruitful safari.

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And let’s not forget coffee: remember if it tastes good, it’s because of the “EUROPEAN BLEND”, not because of the slaves who toil to pick the beans. Don’t you feel like going to Kenya and commanding your own coffee plantation? You could look hot in a little safari outfit, just like Keira Knightly did in her Vanity Fair spread.

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Ahh, yet another fine colonialist sport, shooting elephants for their ivory and then making statues out of them. The utmost example of Man v. Nature. Bravo.

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And to bring it all back to a respectable English flavour, a bit of hunting today, sir?

Bravo, Winners, for making explicit your Colonialist tendencies of raping peoples’ human rights, and justifying it through racism and Western privilege of a ‘comfortable, stylish life’.

Below: More from Keira Knightley’s Vanity Fair spread for Vuitton. Doesn’t she look so pretty against the primitive backgrounds?
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Zac Efron is NOT GAY…

…he’s just trapped inside a woman’s body.
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I mean come on, could he look anymore like the love child of Reba McIntyre and Laura Bush? He’s all woman…

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And for anyone who’s wondering who this dude(tte) is, he’s starred in Disney’s High School MUSICAL and Hairspray the MUSICAL…not that starring in MUSICALS makes a person gay…I’m just sayin’.

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Bravo to Caitlin Upton for carrying on a tradition of dumb blonde jokes. Her bio says she’s the President of Skills (probably the same skills Tara Connor had..?); you gotta be smart for that, rite? Perhaps she is a scholar in coding and encryption because I couldn’t understand a word she said. She’ll make the U.S. Military proud one day..

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The system will keep finding ways to keep women too distracted and preoccupied with the way they look to amount to much more than an overly-decorated Easter Egg with a short shelf-life: dyed, stenciled, painted, put in a basket for all to see, and then cracked open and tossed out with the scraps, never getting the chance to grow past the yolkie chick stage into a mature hen:

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So, considering the “Naughty” category of “pubic hair art” has been flooded by the market by companies like Nads, I’ve come up with a few more suggestions that I think fulfill the under-represented “Nice” category:

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“SEXY” is NOT A RIGHT….


MILF CULTURE MUST DIE.

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Is Adrian Grenier (quasi celeb douche from Entourage) the secret Love Child of John Stamos and 1980s Boglin?

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+

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EQUALS

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in other words:

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Exerpts from “Our oceans are turning into plastic…are we?” by Susan Casey:

“…all over the globe, there are signs that plastic pollution is doing more than blighting the scenery; it is also making its way into the food chain. Some of the most obvious victims are the dead seabirds that have been washing ashore in startling numbers, their bodies packed with plastic: things like bottle caps, cigarette lighters, tampon applicators, and colored scraps that, to a foraging bird, resemble baitfish. (One animal dissected by Dutch researchers contained 1,603 pieces of plastic.) And the birds aren’t alone. All sea creatures are threatened by floating plastic, from whales down to zooplankton. There’s a basic moral horror in seeing the pictures: a sea turtle with a plastic band strangling its shell into an hourglass shape; a humpback towing plastic nets that cut into its flesh and make it impossible for the animal to hunt. More than a million seabirds, 100,000 marine mammals, and countless fish die in the North Pacific each year, either from mistakenly eating this junk or from being ensnared in it and drowning.

Most alarming, these chemicals may disrupt the endocrine system—the delicately balanced set of hormones and glands that affect virtually every organ and cell—by mimicking the female hormone estrogen. In marine environments, excess estrogen has led to Twilight Zone-esque discoveries of male fish and seagulls that have sprouted female sex organs. On land, things are equally gruesome.
“Fertility rates have been declining for quite some time now, and exposure to synthetic estrogen—especially from the chemicals found in plastic products—can have an adverse effect,” says Marc Goldstein, M.D., director of the Cornell Institute for Repro-ductive Medicine. Dr. Goldstein also notes that pregnant women are particularly vulnerable: “Prenatal exposure, even in very low doses, can cause irreversible damage in an unborn baby’s reproductive organs.” And after the baby is born, he or she is hardly out of the woods. Frederick vom Saal, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Missouri at Columbia who specifically studies estrogenic chemicals in plastics, warns parents to “steer clear of polycarbonate baby bottles. They’re particularly dangerous for newborns, whose brains, immune systems, and gonads are still developing.” Dr. vom Saal’s research spurred him to throw out every polycarbonate plastic item in his house, and to stop buying plastic-wrapped food and canned goods (cans are plastic-lined) at the grocery store.”

Read the full article HERE. Coupled with my reading of P.D. James’ Children of Men it is about all I can handle before going off the edge.

And these pictures have left me totally speechless (and nauseous):

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But then, why should we care about these mammal mutations and deformities? Women voluntarily deform themselves in a subservient show of male power all the time (some NSFW):

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And of course, let’s not forget Pam-An, who’s Ilsa-bot look (the bottle-blonde hair, the collagen lips, the floating devices has more than likely inspired hundreds of thousands of women to follow suit in environmentally hazardous, self-deforming practices) and her rallying for PeTA suggest that hypocrisy is the ONLY thing about her that runs deep.

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Ok, so there are more recalls coming in of products made cheap by Chinese labourers so that Westerners can continue the illusion of wealth “here” versus poverty “there.” Having two young cousins and a baby niece, I feel the pressure of having to buy them lots of toys to keep up with the rest of our family — only I can’t bring myself to purchase these hunks of plastic and painted wood knowing they were made in (probably) poor conditions by people with children who are too poor to get a new toy every few months, let alone weeks. I’ll get them quality toys built to last, or, like this year–I’ll be painting them pictures. I’m so gonna be the aunt/cousin who lets them down in the presents-department. But not the love department.
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From Yahoo! News:
China recall toy factory boss hangs himself
Mon Aug 13, 2:57 PM
BEIJING (Reuters) – The boss of a Chinese toy manufacturing company involved in a Mattel recall after its products were found to contain excessive lead levels has hanged himself, Chinese media reported on Monday.

Zhang Shuhong, a Hong Kong businessman in his 50s and boss of the Lida Toy Company in the southern province of Guangdong, was found dead in his factory workshop on Saturday, the semi-official Southern Metropolitan Daily said.

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Mystery of WTF-Fingers Solved?

Remember these wtf-fingers?
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I had harboured a guess that the condition was caused by touching Paris Hilton. Well, apparently creatures in Lake Ontario have been touching Paris Hilton too! Nothing is safe!

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So at a concert in Norfolk, VA, Morrissey made a few on-stage pronouncements about Madge’s timely shift in public persona as ‘eco-friendly’:

According to 24Sizzler.com’s spy, the eco-friendly rocker told concert-goers about fur-loving Madonna, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him … for 15 minutes, and then threw it away.”

And these sorts of pronouncements are why I love Morrissey and feel safe and at peace that he is somewhere, just doing things in this world! But wait…then he had to follow it up with advocacy for an organization I find absolutely, frustratingly hypocritical: PeTA:

Morrissey balanced his unkind words for Madonna, with kind words for PETA, which he supports: “You haven’t even heard what I’m gratified about yet,” said the singer, reports the 24Sizzler.com spy. ”I’m very gratified to be so close to the international headquarters of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”

As a feminist (does that ‘f’ word still make people cringe? Fox News really did a good job of demonizing it in the late 80s/early 90s, didn’t they?) and an animal lover, I find myself cringing at the thought of supporting an organization that uses porn-star iconography, Hep-Cat Pam-Am, and stereotypes of ditzy blonde women for they’re ad campaigns. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the Ilsa-esque Aryan nature of their ‘spokes’ models…especially in the context of their downplaying the horrors of the holocaust and fascism by equating the slaughter of pigs with this historical tragedy. I’m all for a philosophical anti-humanism, but trading one kind of exploitation for another is still working within the lowest common denominators. And please don’t tell me the bleach that Pammy uses in her hair and the goo in her breasts have not come at the expense of animal rights or have not inspired a nasty strain of eco-trashing fem-bots chanting “das blonde ist besser”

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A man was struck by lightning as he was jogging and listening to religious music on his iPod. The electric current melted the iPod, traveled down through his pants and blew up one of his sneakers. Last year, a teen who was mowing the lawn while listening to Metallica faced a similar fate as lightning melted the earphones of his iPod, sizzled the iPod itself and caused the dude to vomit and bleed through his ears. Methinks Thor hath made his point with golfers and has moved on to openly judging people’s crappy playlists..Maybe iPods, like golf clubs, are merely the medium, not the message…

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Try not to get hypnotized!

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This news is old but forgotten. I keep seeing ads for Bernstein’s diet clinics on TV and wonder what special forces it took to acquit him of attempted murder charges when all of the jewellry and Rolex watches were stashed in his home… I also wonder what kind of powerhouse lawyer he employed to get the Toronto Star to eventually take Bernstein’s name out of subsequent stories on the murder plot that you can read below…could it have been Edward Greenspan? How could he afford him? And what is up with the kidnapping of him and his wife where they were found stuffed in the trunk of a Mercedes-Benz several years later? I found these articles in the Star’s online archives. Googling Bernstein’s name gets you nothing more than “”Criminal Background checks”, so in all its glory, I’m posting some of the weird and criminal history behind Toronto’s very own Doctor Death. Enjoy the headline timeline (Only main articles published in full).
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Toronto doctor charged in contract murder plot:[FIN Edition]
John Duncanson Toronto Star. Toronto Star Toronto, Ont.:Jul 21, 1992. p. A1

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Hipsteritis is an STD

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Classic Myspace shot with onset of tousled hair

I found this in the most recent edition of Canadian Journal of Medicine:

Hipsteritis
Hipsteritis is transmitted sexually, so to speak, qualifying it as an STD. It strikes those who have no cultural taste of their own but badly want to be cool and are hungry for a sex-appeal that will set them apart. Its early symptoms include the compulsive taking of ‘myspace’ photos of oneself, often with cleavage or bare leg visible in the shot suggesting an early onslaught of extreme notions of grandeur; the compulsion to juxtapose footwear with their outfit; the tendency to pose with minor/quasi celebrities at parties and insipient jabbering on about ‘doing blow’. Nothing exists outside of their world, and the tightly framed photos literally suggest this grave and progressive mental state. Their blogs are almost always about themselves and their other infected friends. As the disease spreads, the victim’s hair becomes increasingly tousled and dissheveled–a trait that is commonly mistaken for ‘rock and roll’ hair. Sufferers of hipsteritis are easily irritated, paranoid and often feel threatened by people who are different than they are. In the later stages of the disease, a drone-like mentality completely takes over and the victim loses any faculties of discretion and decision-making and is known to attack with hipster-venom anyone outside their immediate hive in order to prove to their fellow drones their loyalty to the Kingdom of Cool. Ultimately, the hipster is on constant guard, sometimes preemptively striking a wrong target in sad attempts to claim territory or, ‘turf’.

It is too early to know whether hipsteritis has a cure, but I’m living for the day when the alleyway drinking parties lose their irony and the incessant taking of ‘myspace’ pics becomes the hallmark of old-age and the sign that death’s release is close at hand.

The disease is not always terminal. You can read one person’s account of having overcome it here.

THERE IS HOPE… GET HELP SOON!!

Below are some pictures of infected people , along with a sample of the kind of antagonism they tend to spout. Should this venom be turned on you, stay calm and remember that they can’t help it–it’s the disease talking.

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As disease progresses, desire to photograph one’s entire body increases exponentially

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Unconscious posing with minor/quasi-celebrity

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Alleyway drinking party. Man in green tights in very late stages of the disease.

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As youth an irony fades, the disease becomes more apparent

And here is a sample letter containing the kind of venom and vengeance common to those in the late stages of the disease. Letter written based on paranoia and hearsay some 10 years after the alleged incident. Please note the obsession with body image and identity:

“i saw you the other nite at my friend’s store
i was going to say something but was too incensed with rage i didn’t want to make a scene

dugan told me many moons ago you said that i was a walking std, scott would not grant me your phone number to call your parents and tell them their failure of a daughter is a rug-munching dyke troll

you talk shit about other girls cos you are insecure and hate yourself

enjoy your life, ugly.

love lauren white

ps. lose some weight
pps. metal sucks “

The fact that her blog has won awards suggests an epidemic of hipsteritis has hit Toronto with a force greater than the SARS of 2003.

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She sees the world through the eyes of a child. Not since Picasso has the art world seen such genius. The way she disregards the rules of perspective, her insistence on labeling everything in the composition and adding prose alongside the visuals, the haphazard use of negative space…’Tis true talent to render her traumatic experience with such innocence and naivité.

Below are some of her lesser-known masterpieces:

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I must be the only one who is frightened by jessica biel’s nose-lip combo and extreme bone structure. From 3/4 view she’s pretty, but in those straight-on views she looks like a pile of rocks with a wig on it, even in soft-focus.

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A truck driver was killed yesterday on the 400 highway after swerving to avoid two dinky cars that were racing too close. The trucker headed toward the medium and oncoming cars, so he swerved back to the right, and fatally landed in the ditch. The boys who were racing are 20 yrs old, 6 years younger than the number of years truck driver (a father of three) had been trucking. Not all truckers are ‘heroes’, nor do they always drive safe either…
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I’ve been on a trip in a truck myself. I’ve seen women painting their toenails while driving, men reading books that they’ve propped up onto the steering wheels, parents driving while looking into the back seat to yell at their kids or in-laws, women flashing truckers, and most of all, nearly everyone fidgeting with their cell phones. If I never believed in Darwinism, I do now. But it’s not right for innocent people to die. So those of you who can’t make time to pull over and do your thing, or have been told multi-tasking is good for society, please take your absent-mindedness and drive off a cliff with it!
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tackytat

GADS! I’m teleported back to that time in grad school when I sat, silently biting my fist, as my professor praised a student for her ‘brilliant’ idea of writing an essay on the ‘genius’ of the rhizomatic structure of Radiohead’s website.  And people wonder why red wine is my friend and confidante…

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Um…this reminds me of…

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WTF? of the Day

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Is this what happens when you touch Paris Hilton?

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