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Archive for the ‘wtf’ Category

Mystery of WTF-Fingers Solved?

Remember these wtf-fingers?
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I had harboured a guess that the condition was caused by touching Paris Hilton. Well, apparently creatures in Lake Ontario have been touching Paris Hilton too! Nothing is safe!

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So at a concert in Norfolk, VA, Morrissey made a few on-stage pronouncements about Madge’s timely shift in public persona as ‘eco-friendly’:

According to 24Sizzler.com’s spy, the eco-friendly rocker told concert-goers about fur-loving Madonna, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him … for 15 minutes, and then threw it away.”

And these sorts of pronouncements are why I love Morrissey and feel safe and at peace that he is somewhere, just doing things in this world! But wait…then he had to follow it up with advocacy for an organization I find absolutely, frustratingly hypocritical: PeTA:

Morrissey balanced his unkind words for Madonna, with kind words for PETA, which he supports: “You haven’t even heard what I’m gratified about yet,” said the singer, reports the 24Sizzler.com spy. ”I’m very gratified to be so close to the international headquarters of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”

As a feminist (does that ‘f’ word still make people cringe? Fox News really did a good job of demonizing it in the late 80s/early 90s, didn’t they?) and an animal lover, I find myself cringing at the thought of supporting an organization that uses porn-star iconography, Hep-Cat Pam-Am, and stereotypes of ditzy blonde women for they’re ad campaigns. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the Ilsa-esque Aryan nature of their ‘spokes’ models…especially in the context of their downplaying the horrors of the holocaust and fascism by equating the slaughter of pigs with this historical tragedy. I’m all for a philosophical anti-humanism, but trading one kind of exploitation for another is still working within the lowest common denominators. And please don’t tell me the bleach that Pammy uses in her hair and the goo in her breasts have not come at the expense of animal rights or have not inspired a nasty strain of eco-trashing fem-bots chanting “das blonde ist besser”

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A man was struck by lightning as he was jogging and listening to religious music on his iPod. The electric current melted the iPod, traveled down through his pants and blew up one of his sneakers. Last year, a teen who was mowing the lawn while listening to Metallica faced a similar fate as lightning melted the earphones of his iPod, sizzled the iPod itself and caused the dude to vomit and bleed through his ears. Methinks Thor hath made his point with golfers and has moved on to openly judging people’s crappy playlists..Maybe iPods, like golf clubs, are merely the medium, not the message…

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Try not to get hypnotized!

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This news is old but forgotten. I keep seeing ads for Bernstein’s diet clinics on TV and wonder what special forces it took to acquit him of attempted murder charges when all of the jewellry and Rolex watches were stashed in his home… I also wonder what kind of powerhouse lawyer he employed to get the Toronto Star to eventually take Bernstein’s name out of subsequent stories on the murder plot that you can read below…could it have been Edward Greenspan? How could he afford him? And what is up with the kidnapping of him and his wife where they were found stuffed in the trunk of a Mercedes-Benz several years later? I found these articles in the Star’s online archives. Googling Bernstein’s name gets you nothing more than “”Criminal Background checks”, so in all its glory, I’m posting some of the weird and criminal history behind Toronto’s very own Doctor Death. Enjoy the headline timeline (Only main articles published in full).
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Toronto doctor charged in contract murder plot:[FIN Edition]
John Duncanson Toronto Star. Toronto Star Toronto, Ont.:Jul 21, 1992. p. A1

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Hipsteritis is an STD

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Classic Myspace shot with onset of tousled hair

I found this in the most recent edition of Canadian Journal of Medicine:

Hipsteritis
Hipsteritis is transmitted sexually, so to speak, qualifying it as an STD. It strikes those who have no cultural taste of their own but badly want to be cool and are hungry for a sex-appeal that will set them apart. Its early symptoms include the compulsive taking of ‘myspace’ photos of oneself, often with cleavage or bare leg visible in the shot suggesting an early onslaught of extreme notions of grandeur; the compulsion to juxtapose footwear with their outfit; the tendency to pose with minor/quasi celebrities at parties and insipient jabbering on about ‘doing blow’. Nothing exists outside of their world, and the tightly framed photos literally suggest this grave and progressive mental state. Their blogs are almost always about themselves and their other infected friends. As the disease spreads, the victim’s hair becomes increasingly tousled and dissheveled–a trait that is commonly mistaken for ‘rock and roll’ hair. Sufferers of hipsteritis are easily irritated, paranoid and often feel threatened by people who are different than they are. In the later stages of the disease, a drone-like mentality completely takes over and the victim loses any faculties of discretion and decision-making and is known to attack with hipster-venom anyone outside their immediate hive in order to prove to their fellow drones their loyalty to the Kingdom of Cool. Ultimately, the hipster is on constant guard, sometimes preemptively striking a wrong target in sad attempts to claim territory or, ‘turf’.

It is too early to know whether hipsteritis has a cure, but I’m living for the day when the alleyway drinking parties lose their irony and the incessant taking of ‘myspace’ pics becomes the hallmark of old-age and the sign that death’s release is close at hand.

The disease is not always terminal. You can read one person’s account of having overcome it here.

THERE IS HOPE… GET HELP SOON!!

Below are some pictures of infected people , along with a sample of the kind of antagonism they tend to spout. Should this venom be turned on you, stay calm and remember that they can’t help it–it’s the disease talking.

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As disease progresses, desire to photograph one’s entire body increases exponentially

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Unconscious posing with minor/quasi-celebrity

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Alleyway drinking party. Man in green tights in very late stages of the disease.

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As youth an irony fades, the disease becomes more apparent

And here is a sample letter containing the kind of venom and vengeance common to those in the late stages of the disease. Letter written based on paranoia and hearsay some 10 years after the alleged incident. Please note the obsession with body image and identity:

“i saw you the other nite at my friend’s store
i was going to say something but was too incensed with rage i didn’t want to make a scene

dugan told me many moons ago you said that i was a walking std, scott would not grant me your phone number to call your parents and tell them their failure of a daughter is a rug-munching dyke troll

you talk shit about other girls cos you are insecure and hate yourself

enjoy your life, ugly.

love lauren white

ps. lose some weight
pps. metal sucks “

The fact that her blog has won awards suggests an epidemic of hipsteritis has hit Toronto with a force greater than the SARS of 2003.

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She sees the world through the eyes of a child. Not since Picasso has the art world seen such genius. The way she disregards the rules of perspective, her insistence on labeling everything in the composition and adding prose alongside the visuals, the haphazard use of negative space…’Tis true talent to render her traumatic experience with such innocence and naivité.

Below are some of her lesser-known masterpieces:

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